The $1 million film
Contrary to many expectations, Simens begins his marathon course, not by teaching script writing or camera techniques but by setting the budget. He hurtles through 38 line items—everything from buying film and hiring actors during the shoot to paying for coloration services and recording footsteps in post production. At every stage, money and negotiations enter the equation, and as time wears on, the mystique of movie-making soon fades into hard math and variable skills of persuasion. Simens tells his students that they will be making the classic “$1 million” film, which in reality means spending no more than $300,000. (Subtractions or additions to each of the 38 line items can make a budget go as low as the single thousands). As Simens meticulously zips through each of the processes, he makes an effort to answer each and every question, but disagreement is rarely tolerated. Many answers are reduced to “No yeah buts here!”

Keeping it tight
For those who would like to include a popular song, explosion, or major Hollywood star in their first film, Simens is resolute: “No special effects! No music! No Names! No, No No!” He asks the audience to rent the first films of major directors like Spielberg, Howard and Copolla: “They were all terrible!”
Find talented friends to work on the soundtrack, and only under contract, because even “Happy Birthday to You,” is copyrighted and costs some $200,000 per use, he says.
A good chunk of time is then spent explaining how major productions save money, including monetizing government subsidies and choosing townships that will help pay for films to create jobs and exposure for their communities. (Vancouver can be San Francisco; Albania can be set as civil war Virginia, etc). But fantasizing about ‘that world’ will get the young filmmaker nowhere, he explains, demanding the priority be on “getting that first title credit” and at least breaking even. Simens says a first film should rely mainly on the script and little else. This means one location and only a handful of actors, some of whom will be hired for just one day. Ironically, script writing is taught in less than two hours, and Simens is adamant about writing only five minutes per day beginning with the title, theme and logline (a sort of synopsis), and then later moving on to the three page treatment (i.e. beginning, middle and end) and finally filling out a one page “jigsaw puzzle” listing of 40 to 60 scenes driven by a roller coaster current of conflicts and a hierarchy of simultaneous plots known as A story, B story, etc. During week two, Simens prescribes writing one scene per day and by Friday, “you call in sick for work.” A cautionary note: scripts should be sent to the US-based Writers Guild and registered for only $20: “Don’t tell me you had a thought and they stole your idea.”

‘Selling the sizzle’
Simens is not fond of the word filmmaker; he prefers producer. Realizing the lack of experience among most attendees, even those who have been to film school, he defines the eight most important words in Hollywood, which come as a response to the question, “What are you producing?” The golden answer: “I have several projects under various stages of production.”
Then there are the two rules of sales: ‘Never say the first number’ (a disadvantage when bargaining); and ‘When raising money, bring them to the track,’ meaning “never go to money,” because, “if you can’t get them (potential investors) to come to you, forget it.”
This is where “selling the sizzle” comes in; First look up a wealthy member of the community who finds his job so boring that he would be willing to invest in a film for the glamor alone—a dentist is perfect, Simens says. Then rent out a local theatre by paying off the night manager and inviting your investor(s) for a 15 minute personal screening of your cinematographer’s best demo reel. Also consider an awe-inspiring fundraising dinner/script reading, in which the actors are marched in for a dramatic dress rehearsal. Investors will be promised half of profits, in the rare case that there are any—see a lawyer for all legal documentation.
Once production gets rolling, the film needs to be promoted and listed in special sections of the industry’s leading publications: Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. Simens encourages staged photos (the director should be pointing at something—anything) and an interesting story about themselves: “If you don’t have one, make it up.”
He then goes into an elaborate discussion on distribution, noting that box office sales are generally reserved for theatre owners (50 percent) and covering production costs. Profits are only derived from distribution on video on demand followed by DVDs and then sales to cable (pay-tv) networks, free TV outlets and airlines.

What about the Middle East?
Local filmmakers have a golden opportunity, Simens contends, so long as “you manufacture product cost effectively within the business model of the Middle East.” This means spending no more than $300,000, especially because Hollywood box office sales for the whole region are three times less than that of Mexico.
If possible, attach some names to your project, knowing that “the biggest name doesn’t have to be the best actor:” try a “Lebanese singer,” and “Is there somebody in the royal family whose daughter would like to be an actor? That will be a very highly marketable thing.”
Simens had some harsh criticisms of Dubai’s film aspirations, saying little to no international film distributors come to the Dubai International Film Festival. Furthermore, Hollywood, “doesn’t’ care about buildings; a studio is just a barn.” One would have appreciated more information on the Middle East media distribution network, in terms of the number of TV stations and pay TV outlets, the cost of buying a business license and the depth of piracy, which remain unclear.

Is it really worth it?
It is impossible to condense Simens’ course, (priced around $900) into a single feature article; two pages are barely enough to provide a glimpse. His stamina, efficiency, flamboyance, and penetrating insights into the industry are all truly impressive as is the breadth of material covered. And Simens is true to what he teaches: creating a few subtle plugs of his own along the way, even whipping out a wad of cash during the breaks to make change for sales of his many books and DVDs.
There is little doubt that both serious film students and pure enthusiasts will walk away with an entirely new, somewhat demystified perspective on Hollywood and its characters.
But Simens makes it clear from the outset: He does not teach talent nor is he particularly enamored with artists. In fact some of the big names that have emerged from his class already demonstrated previous skills, such as Tarantino who according to Simens, had sold a couple of scripts before walking in the door: “I’m basically the person who kicks them in the butt,” he says of past graduates that made it, and already “know everything I’m telling them.”
In fact “The Two Day Film School,” isn’t really about the art of cinematography or script writing, it is about bringing all the right players together and making a movie happen—not just getting in the can but also getting it promoted and distributed, making some money in the process and essentially surviving in the industry, even if you’re still a dreamer.